Word Vomit


That is what they say

Before the dawn comes breaking

Give meaning to the day

And here I am trying

But it’s caught inside my throat

Breaking on my hands and knees

There’s a million reasons why

And just one reason why I don’t


It’s in everything we do

The weight of resistance touches me

And reflects off of you

Should you see me now

Kneeling here this way

Choking on my choices

Clutching a porcelain grave

And knowing

Knowing what I’ve made deep inside

How isn’t it easier to turn around?

To bid all your goodbyes

This inflection

I’ll admit that it’s a shame

Had it just been something I am not

Everything could have been okay

Yet it sits with me

And no matter what I do

No matter how loudly I cry out

No matter how deeply I love you

It’s infectious

And I see its shadow in your eyes

This is how it feels to destroy somebody

Just by being by their side

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Long Time Gone

Dear Readers,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted and I can’t say for certain if I’ve been missed. What I do know, however, is that it’s to the followers of my blog that I owe so much of what confidence I do possess as a writer. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times again; thank you.

I’ve not been writing poetry so much anymore as I’ve taken quite a liking to writing short stories. I’ve submitted my work to several contests as of late and am anxiously awaiting results. To actually win anything seems too good to be true, but at least these contests are giving me motivation to keep writing! Writers write, as they say.

If you’d like to read one of my contest entries you can do so here. It isn’t my best but it’s the only one I can share for the time being as I cannot enter previously published stories, online or otherwise. So there you have it, dear Readers. That is where I have been. In my head, as usual.

Forever as always,


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The Grandfather I Never Knew

Originally posted on KD DeFehr:

To the grandfather I never knew

A merchant marine in World War Two

I watched my mother crying today

The photo in her hand showed your brave face

She told me how you loved the sea

And I thought about the part of you in me

She says you were a hero too

From 1916 to 1992

I pray for the day that we meet

To know the man in the photos I see

Handsome and strong

Clever and true

My grandmother must be happy

To share heaven with you

Nikolai Haugland

“The Lord leads me beside quiet waters and restores my soul.”

January 9th, 1916-February 18th, 1992

Beloved husband of Borghild and father to Nils, John, Anne, Linda and Nancy

You are truly loved and missed always <3

“God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble, so we will not be afraid.” 

View original 2 more words

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The hum of silence

I feel it within my skin

Between these walls are resting

Years of hidden sin

I feel it all around me

It’s etched into my bones

Footprints left by walkers

Who took my heart for one of stone

But I am not an anchor

When beaten, I go down

I’ll hold your pain, I’ll take your word

Trusting this time I won’t drown

But can I feel the walls close in?

Can I sense a dirty lie?

Here is something I’ve learned of humans

We only recognize love as it leaves the eyes

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Life on a Rock

In the spirit of Canada Day I thought I’d share my new poem about my own home town on Vancouver Island. Life on a Rock is about Nanaimo, B.C., the Harbour City that I call home.

Life on a Rock

There’s a calm, a simplicity
In the air we breathe
Fresh off the ocean breeze
It’s what makes a home out of this town
From the rocky shores
To the rockiest mountains in the background
It’s the smell of the rain
It’s the cry of a seagull
It’s the way the lighthouses stand tall
Under the shadows of soaring eagles
It’s the way waves quietly whisper
As an old boat is gently rocked
It’s the way the arbutus leaves rustle
Down by the harbour where lovers walk
There’s just something about it
Being tucked beside mountains and trees
Bound by the tides of the ocean
Like a sailor who gave his heart to the sea
It’s the thrill of childrens’ laughter
As they play make believe
It’s the pirate hats they wear
It’s the colour of fall leaves
And it’s the quiet of reading a book
Your feet in the water, hanging over a dock
When you know your heart is anchored to this town
To life on a rock

frank ney

Statue of our old town mayor, Frank Ney, situated downtown Nanaimo. Frank is most famous for initiating the bathtub races across the Georgia Straight and for enjoying dressing like a pirate.

Photo credit goes to my sister, Kristy DeFehr. Check out her photography blog, here.

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Buddy Bear

I was eleven when I came home

To find a basket in the kitchen

What looked like a fluffy teddy bear

Was what I saw when I looked in

You were so excited to meet me

You skidded across the tiles and bumped your head

And that’s instantly when I knew

That you were going to fit right in

Eight years

That’s how long I’ve known you now

I’ve loved every second of every day

And I want you to know how

How wonderful a friend you’ve been

How I still can’t get over those big brown eyes

How lucky I am to have a little buddy

To always be by my side

I love the way you hop when you see me

How you can never give too many kisses

How the curly bits of your fur stand up

Your last hair cut? Must have missed it

I love the look you get on your face

When you think it’s time to play

You bow your head and growl a little

And I say, “Okay, okay.”

You know what I need when I’m sad

Because you’ve been there through it all

You were there on my first day of high school

My first breakup

My first phone call

When the voice on the other line

Told me something I really didn’t want to hear

And you sat your furry bum beside me

So I could hug you and cry soon as I was in the clear

You’ve taught me more about friendship

Than any human I’ve ever known

What it really means to hold strong and true

No matter how fiercely the bad times blow

And the laughter

All the laughter and joy that you’ve given me

Like your very first Christmas

When we found you’d taken an ornament off the tree

You were in such trouble

And knew it long before we did

You were shaking like a leaf when dad came up those stairs

Just like a little kid

A puppy at heart is what you’ve always truly been

Eight years later, you still run, jump and play

More than anyone has ever seen

And I want to thank you for that, little buddy

As it reminds me to stay young too

No matter how stressful my day is

I love coming home to you

Knowing that you’ll be there

Snuggled on your favourite pillow on the couch

I’ll come kiss you and you’ll wag your tail

And beside you I’ll come slouch

We’ll watch our favourite TV shows

And then I’ll read to you

I’ll even bring you your favourite toy

The one you never chew

What I mostly want to thank you for, Tucker

Is just for being there

Smart and funny and sweet as can be

You’re my best friend

You’re my buddy bear <3



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You think a person’s done hurting you


After years of



Beatings that came in the form of


Hollow ones perhaps

There only for the purpose of persuasion

To lead you so deep into falsehood

You think you’ll never resurface

Not alive, anyway

But you think you’re past that

You’ve moved on, forgiven

You’ve let life wrap you in new memories

Caressing the wounds so deep, yet so widely known

As battle scars

Of a battle most everyone goes through

Yet no one fully understands

First love, of course

What else could be so incomprehensible?

Something you spend your whole life touching


Yet you never fully grasp

But it’s over now

And has been for some time

Words were said

None were truly listened to

A common fatality of human “communication”

An ability we take so far for granted

That it’s rare to actually hear one another

As if our vocal cords only produce noise

Without meaning

However, you’re past it

You’ve “let go”

You’ve let life take you by the sweet hand of


And you’ve made peace with it all

You’ve stopped replaying those meaningless


When you said too much and he said

Too little

You can’t even fully imagine his face anymore

The one you used to look so forward to seeing

You could have drawn every line, every freckle, every hair

With your eyes shut

If you could draw, that is

Now you can no longer taste the memory of those

Hollow kisses

The ones that used to give you butterflies

And you’ve realized, with some concern

And a little amusement maybe

That you don’t actually know his middle name

Yet you would have died for him

The experience puzzles you

And so you chalk it all up to youth

Pesky hormones and what have you

But you’ve grown now, you’re past it

You’ve matured into the kind of woman

He never would have been enough man for anyway

So why is it

That after all this time

The discovery of his one last secret

Still hurt you?

You didn’t cry when you found out about her

Not really anyway

A single tear perhaps

For this boy you used to love

You weren’t even all that surprised

The relationship was effed up on almost every other level

Why would you truly think

He hadn’t cheated on you?

But you had

Oh, you really had.

It’s a funny name for such a betrayal, isn’t it?


As if love really is just a game we play

Except it’s not

And the pain is very real

And suddenly you remember things

Things long forgotten

Things he said

Things he did

Lies he told

Because of her

It’s in this crucial hour that you ask yourself





How many others?


How many other lies?

You sat on it, didn’t you?

For days

Once again, replaying




A betrayal, it changes


And now you’ve healed in all the wrong places

You should have burned his things

You gave them back

You should have immediately been through

You held on a little longer

After it was all said and done

You even asked

For a second chance

And you wondered

Oh, you wondered so often

What did I do?

What did I do wrong?

Never knowing until now

That his problems lay in what he did

Lay in the bed he shared with her

While you were up missing him

Wondering, “Is he missing me?”

But it’s out now

All the truth

Behind all those lies

And you see now more clearly than ever

What a fool you’ve been

Actually trying to protect his feelings

And you were a fool, sweetheart

But you were in love

In love in all the ways he should have been

And you were good

You were good to him,

And you were good to yourself when you left him

Based on the instinct that he was no longer there

You were right to do these things

And now the truth

It’s finally come

It’s come and now it’s time

Time to actually let it go

Go back to forgiveness

Despite that what he did will never be okay

Go back to dreaming of a future

Where the past is, simply, the past

You have a new man in your life, after all

One that doesn’t focus on what he lacks

And you’ve become accustomed to


To simplicity and equal love

There’s no room for questions like, “Why?” here

The answer is one you’d never accept anyway

Even after uncovering the lies

It comes packaged in

Just be glad you’re not the kind of person

That understands a cheater

And know only this

When you think of the boy you first wanted to marry.

His betrayal,

It had nothing to do with you

It had nothing to do with her

It had everything to do with him

And the kind of person that he now has to live with

While you move on

To a better




Knowing a person is done hurting you


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