Love and Lies

I actually wrote this as a song but I can’t really sing or play any instruments too well…so naturally it’s a poem now.

Love and Lies

-KD DeFehr

Well I

I cried

About eighteen hundred times

And you

Fell through

About once in your life

To the blackest part of you

I sacrificed

A heart full of love and lies

Well I

Went down

About fourteen miles from hell

And you

Went to

The very bottom of that bottle

Not thinking about tomorrow

And all the talk of dreams you sentimentalized

Brought me to my demise

Now I’m feeling all shook up

And overused

Cuz the best part of me

I thought was you

Hanging in the gap

Is our night in the city

When I dressed to impress

And you said I was pretty

Now I

I die

About eighteen thousand times

And scattered on the edge

Of memories I’ve paralysed

I can still see your eyes

Never Again

I love you forever

I said never again

But to me you’ll always be

More than a friend

I think of you daily

Denying my will

To just call you babey

My heart’s on stand still

We were a nightmare

A disaster

A mess

I constantly put your nerves to the test

And you were always putting my heart on the line

But I’ve never loved another

Since I kissed you goodbye

On paper there’s never been

A more dysfunctional pair

But we had passion and romance

And the love was always there

For myself, I gotta say

I’d take all the pain in the world

To know and feel love as deeply

As I did as your girl

You were never prince charming

And I was never collected and calm

But I was always more than happy

To be in your arms

And you always came first

I gave every bit of me

Into loving you how I wanted someone to love me

But there was something inside you

And I’m sure it’s still there

That won’t let me be enough

You were always prepared

To write us off whenever you wanted a change

Too often I begged you to stay

And always in vein

Just Like That

Just like that

You put it out

The flame that’d burned so strong

You sentenced it

Dead and gone

Like it never existed

Not an ash for evidence and yet

I know

It left its scorch marks on me

Although I keep them where no one sees

Like I don’t feel the burn

Like I don’t remember how the blistering heat

Once warmed my soul

And made me say things like “forever” and “always”

Now you find it all so

Replaceable

Someone new to fill the space between your arms

The other side of the bed

The hole in your heart

Is there even one?

I could never know

Because you treat me like a stranger

Although it wasn’t so long ago

That you said things like “forever” and “always”

And we were together

Always

Always Be

Who I am

Who I’m not

Who I used to be

What you are

What you were

Stirring inside of me

Loving, hating

Letting go

Praying, forgiving

Losing hope

Fighting hard to be seen

The part of us that will always be me

Something We Once Knew

Some things just don’t go away

The rising of the moon

Is the setting of the day

But if she’s holding close to you tonight

I don’t mind

Cuz I don’t want you to fight

Love like something we once knew

Sunset walks

Dreams coming true

And if you’re holding her hand

And the smile on your face

Sets a light in your eyes

And your heart is in its place

Then I won’t cry because I know

I gave the most beautiful gift

When I let you go

All She Wrote

My back hurts today

And I’m feeling pretty blue

The sky outside is gray

And the ocean is too

I was thinking about you this morning

When I first rolled out of bed

Well that’s a lie, cuz my first thought was actually

About my pounding head

But then I remembered that little place

You took me for lunch just out of town

And all the times we sat on the beach

In love, but you looked down

Today I still don’t understand

What it is that happened there

But every time I go to that beach

I still see our first kiss on the stairs

Well, I’m feeling incredibly hungover

And my skin is tingling and numb

I had a piece of bacon

I missed and bit my thumb

You never shut the cupboard doors

And you poked me going up the stairs

Going up, I still cover my ass

Like I have reason to be prepared

I think I’d like to vomit

Right about now

And then I’ll make a sandwich

And hope to keep it down

I wish I had banana peppers

And dill pickle chips

I haven’t had them in a while

They were my favorite as a kid

Then I’ll watch a few episodes

Of my favorite TV show

Read a book

Take a nap

Stub my other toe

And that’s about all she wrote

At least I can smile

Cuz my life is basically a joke

Stop.

I laugh

Hear the sound and move

Instinctively

To my pocket

Flip open my phone

To share the cause

Look for your name

And stop.

First Love

Breathe it in

Your scent

I’ll miss it

Your arms wrapped around me

Those hugs

Those kisses

I’m sure I’ll move on

But will I ever get over

Those places you held me

Like I was your clover

And then there was your smile

The way it met your eyes

Your lips on my neck

Like a calming lullaby

And the warmth all inside me

When you whispered goodnight

And the way our loved blinded me

Shut out the light

Will I ever see the ocean

Without seeing us there?

Will the future I imagine

Ever lack the little girl

With blue eyes and blond hair?

I swore I’d love you forever

And maybe I will

But babey, I can’t catch you

I can’t keep you still

This may be the last time I say this

So I’ll say it again

You’re the love of my life

You are my heaven

I Don’t Know What to Call This

Second guess it every time

And maybe all these tears won’t have been for nothing

Maybe one of these days we’ll get it right

After all

You can only fall so hard

And you can only fall for so long

Love Drunk

When it hit me

It hit me hard

So hard

It shook my entire body

The outrage

The fear

The panic

Like sudden death

Wrapping itself around me

Tightening its grip

And I cried out loud

Split the air with a scream

Tried to kill it

Tried to run the terror dry

But it was more than I was

Too strong

Too powerful

And I fell

Weeping

Begging for mercy

Begging for death

In that moment

All I wanted

Was your sweet whispers

Your hand on my back

Your arms around my waist

Just say it’s okay

Just say you’ll always love me

Just say you’ll never leave me

Because I’m still your world

Because you’d still do anything

For one more day

For one more kiss

For one last chance

To say it all

To say it how it is

And to mean it

But you couldn’t

Or you wouldn’t

And you let it slip away

You’ve let me slip away