Xoxo

Roses into roads

Ashes and lead

I missed you for a long time

But now I’m dead

Fresh Hell

What fresh hell

spreading its infectious

tumors

into organs without

a name

What fresh hell

squeezing the holder

drilling into

sweetness

exposing all the

veins

This isn’t like the

other times

times of

understanding

and forgiveness

This is like the

knife

that carved out that

willingness

Now he’s hiding like

a child

hands over head

And his own children

are silently crying

surrendering to

their beds

the ones that

she

made

that now

they

have to lay in

This Tree

This tree

Has imperfections

So deep

So secret

So unkind

That none can see them

Except me

I feel the words when they cut deeper

I feel the bitter tensions

Of previous wars

Wars not of hatred

But of love

Concealed here

In this tree

I love them

The makers

The givers

And the fakers

I love them despite all the costs

Within me

Within this madness of mine

And is it wrong

To blame them?

For I have eyes of my own

But isn’t it truth

That without them

I may have seen a different poem?

I wouldn’t have any other tree

It’s just that this one

It has left

Its permanent marks on me

Not all bad

It’s true that its roots are built

Of love

There’s laughter here

And forgiveness

There’s loyalty

And so much life

But this tree also nests

In a strong case of denial

And none can reach me here

For its branches don’t bend

But snap under pressure

And winds only shake its many limbs

But nothing can break this tree

Nothing can bring it down

From its heights

Of proudly blind imperfections

This House

This house

It’s only a fragment of home

Whenever you’re gone

It’s quiet

Not even a whisper of another human life

Not within these walls

My reflection sends drops of illness

Into the place in my heart where I need you

Where I need you to be always

That’s the place where you make this house

A home

It creeks when you’re not here

It cries for your presence too

The wooden floors feel harder

The darkness is darker

And no number of lights can shut it out

Even the warmth of fire

Is cold to me here

Alone

It’s all cold

It’s all numb

And it all holds secrets

Secrets I try to escape from

I bury my head in pillows

I get cozy beneath sheets

I surround myself with comforting objects

But they cannot fill that place in my heart where I need you

Where I need you to be always

That’s the place where you make this house

A home

I Hope

I hope she has you falling in love

I hope she’s everything you need

I hope her kisses send you shivers of joy

I hope you feel you need her to breathe

I hope her hands are soft and warm

And she always knows just what to say

Every time you’re feeling sad and blue

I hope she takes that away

I hope your mother loves her

I hope she makes promises she remembers

I hope she makes you feel special

I hope she’s your constant forever

And I hope that you talk of marriage

Of family

Of a home

And I hope she swears she’d follow you anywhere

So you’ll never be alone

But most of all, I hope you trust her

I hope you can’t see a future without

And I hope the look in her eyes leaves you swooning

So you never have a doubt

Now, hunny, here’s the good part

I hope she then crushes you to the bone

I hope she leaves you with nothing

But the pain of being alone

Only then will you have the slightest idea

Of what you put me through

The day that you betrayed me

And the days that followed the end of me and you

When your time does come

I hope you hate yourself for shame

I hope you want nothing more than to hurt yourself

I hope you’re crying out my name

And I hope all the time you see her smiling

While she’s wrapped up with another man

And then someday, I hope you know you’re lucky

Just as I’ve realized I am

Before Me

Awake river

When fire is lost

Rise in the night

Upon the dark

Your wonderful whisper

Your curtain of breath

Yours after warmth

A numb wonder

A horror

A friend

Shake this darkness

Rain blossoms on mine

Falling innocence

Under some eye

That and angels

Together arise

Honest after life

Trusting beauty

Quiet ice

Losing Him

I tried to make it all okay

I tried to laugh

I tried to play

You showed me things I’d never seen before

You held me

You kissed me

You made me feel adored

But every time I opened my eyes

And your face, it wasn’t his

And every time you touched me

With unfamiliar hands

I cried inside for him

And although your voice

It said sweet things

And reminded me I could still half smile

It wasn’t the voice

My heart was breaking for all the while

I reached within the depths of my core

I tried to pull him out of me

My lungs were shaking with every breath

As you kissed me

As you touched me

You traced the line down my neck

I squeezed my eyes tight shut

Praying that I could let you have me

But in my heart

I knew it wouldn’t be enough

To erase the bitter sweet memories of him

Playing over and over in my head

There he was still smiling at me

Making all the promises he’d said

His arms were wrapped around my waist

Kissing my lips

He held on tight

I thought he’d never let me go

A truth that now lay shattered

One I’d always know

Still, he was all I needed

But the him in me was lost

Tripping over strange, new pieces

I could have died despite the costs

Fellow Sinner

I may be no saint

I sin just as you do

My soul is neglected

My body is abused

But I am a keeper

Although I keep just one thing

For that, they call me unlucky

A terrible thing

Dress it up or dress it down

Do whatever it is you please

I know a diamond when I see one

And I know what it is you call ivory

Now if you can catch the sinner

The sinner of said soul

I may reveal a simple truth to you

I may let a certain story unfold

But if you hide behind the very thing

That allows your mind to see

I’m afraid that pain may start with you

That pain may continue with me

So tap into the depths of your fears my friend

Allow the darkness to rain true

For without the storm, the clouds can’t break

And as they swallow me

They’ll be carried by you

The First And Last War

They silenced us

They silenced us with their eyes

Judging

Drew a discriminative line

They degraded us

They degraded us with their laughter

And then they cornered us

Tried to define the things we were after

They used images

Lyrics

And they called us the evil ones

Crazy and hopeless

They gave other reasons for suns

And they shot the one we loved

They shot Him through our minds

Through His chest

And while we cried for Him

They tried to give us reasons to forget

Why must we be broken?

Is it there

In our blood?

The sins of our mothers

The lie of just one?

Madness or heartlessness

We all must live here

May it be endeared

Or may it be in fear

Last Night

Time breaks

The sun beams true

I opened the blinds

On all that’s me and you

I had a dream last night

You were there, in my arms

I kissed your forehead

Traced the subtle lines of your palm

Your eyes couldn’t be brighter

So beautiful and blue

A perfect reflection

Of the clear sky around you

My heartbeat thumped

In my ears, through to my chest

I smiled at the sound

As I smiled at you

Right then and there

Loving you was all I could do

And as the cherry blossom swayed

Raining its petals around us

I opened my arms

And let the wind surround us

I kissed you on the lips

One last look into your eyes

And that’s when I opened mine

Still smiling on the other side 

My boyfriend and I

Photo taken by Kristy DeFehr

Photo edited at Picnik.com