The Six Stages of Grief

I put my letters in a basket

High on a shelf

I sent your head and a fork

Along with the delph

I tied peonies and lilies

Along the backyard fence

I dug a hole for three hours

Dumped a bucket of salt water in

Thence I lay on the lawn

And I watched it sink down

Took an hour for lunch

Returned to the mound

And I filled it all in

And then I stood in the sun

There I planted a honeylocust

And watched as it begun

sitat nummer sju

The problem with picking up broken pieces is that sometimes they make you bleed.

sitat nummer seks

Things tend to lean before they fall.

- KD DeFehr

Chasing the Dragon

I lay where we lay

I sit where we sat

I wrap my arms around myself

And squeeze

Try to remember

Try to forget

And I scream

Throw myself like I can’t feel

Pain

Into the wall and it

Hurts

But not like this

Not like you

You’re the only thing I do feel

When I don’t feel nothing at all

Cuz it’s all a waste

Like the explanations

There are none and yet

I’ve been chasing a

Dragon

That shares your name

Because there’s no time

Like the first time

And I was never really sane

Chill

We maintain the shell

With water

Food

And oxygen

From it we borrow

Vocal chords

Sight

Smell

Muscle and

Movement

Expressions

Tears

A place to put our

Thoughts

But where do we go?

What is the “me” in this body?

If I’m just cells

And a cluster of brain waves

The drug, hormones

Receptors

Whatever

Following some

Order

Making me who I am

Then why am I so

Detached

All the time?

My soul is in there

I feel it hiding

Often in the general location

Of my left kidney

Something untouched

Not object

Nor matter

Energy

It just sort of

Chills

And I wonder if your

Soul

Is still here

Finally free from the

Shell

You discarded

I’ll still miss your

Movements

And expressions

Breathe

For all my anger

For all my pain

I’m here

There’s something alive in this chest

In this body I’ve borrowed

Inhaling

Exhaling

Beating

And that’s all I really have to do in life

Breathe

The Human Condition

Sitting on the edge

Of fuck all

And I’ve never felt so

Free

I just wish the bodies would

Stop

Moving

And I wish you would pay

For all you did to me

You’ve never breathed

Consequence

You just glide through

The pain

You left me there

Coughing

On my tears and my hate

No matter, no matter

It’s all fun and games

Until the day you

Stop moving

And you’ve burned everything

Like your lips against mine

And your hand on my face

Like my arms around your neck

Like the way you taste

Like the shadows

Of coffins

And Roses

And blood

Like the days we spent

Laughing

Out in the sun

A betrayal

And you don’t feel it at all

Cuz there’s nothing in your

Veins

But the drugs

The alcohol

Metaphorically speaking

It’ll be you that I kill

Oh, wait, I forgot

To hide the damned thrill

Nevermind

Can’t quit smiling now

Because I’m free from your

Fire, your

Ashes, your

Crown

It’s your

Ego

Sets my gut in the rain

I’d go get it but I feel

That it’s hiding your name

What a disaster

Imagine if they could see

The coward you are

And will always be

My bad

I’m supposed to keep my mouth

Shut

You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Just like your slut

Bitter

Is how I’m sounding now

No worries

I’m hanging

In my own black cloud

Comfy

Here all alone

Better than the lie

You have to own

Sick Again

The whole world lit you up

Like the angel you are

Like the tears on my cheeks

As I look up at the stars

And remember your hands

Moving across piano keys

But it was never the song

That was capturing me

I’m not alone

When I think back to those days

I still feel it all

Like the warmth of your embrace

And the memory

Keeps me from getting cold

It’s not real but it’s the only

Love that I hold

Just Another Soul

Often I feel I’ve said too much

Can’t keep a hold

On my writhing gut

And I never settle for enough is enough

I know I’m tough

But my thoughts get rough

When I’m stretching all the invisible strings

Peering through nothing at the everything

And I find I say I’m sorry a million times

But they grow weary of my anxious rhymes

And there I go again, feeding the seed

Hell, I can’t blame them

Even I can’t stand me

I pray it wasn’t so

I wish I could be

Someone who didn’t require lies

To find a side of happy

I’d like to say I’m content being my only friend

And often I am

Until the fog rolls in

Here, I strain to open my eyes

I swear I try

But it feels like my mind has been vandalized

By something so beyond what I see

The darkness comes from a place

No one can help me

So what choice for them do I leave?

I’m just another soul

That never learned how to breathe

 

The You I Knew

You were there

About ten years old and sitting on the deck

The first time that I saw you

A hood pulled over your head

I knew who you were

Because we talked online every day

And I got butterflies in my tummy

Every time someone said your name

Little did you know

I was trying to show off

But you kept your eyes locked on your book

And I wondered if it would be okay to talk

But I always chickened out

I thought you’d think me strange

Little did I know back then

How much we were the same

Years passed by

And for so long the best part of my day

Was seeing your name appear on the side of my screen

And waiting to see if you’d say hey

A couple times I wandered

Past the house I knew was yours

I daydreamed what it’d be like

If I had the nerve to come to your door

And with my friends I always whispered

I called you by your last name

We plotted ways I could possibly see you again

But that didn’t happen until 2008

The year high school came around

And on that first day

My friends all gathered to tell me

You were on the other side of the locker bay

It took all the courage I could muster

I remember my heart pounding in my ears

Those couple yards I walked to get close to you

Felt like they took years

And there you were

A nervous smile on your face

And you stuttered a bit as you spoke to me

And my heart began to race

Only a few short weeks later

You asked me to be your girl

I agreed and that’s when you really became

The center of my whole world

For four wonderful and terrifying months

You were always on my mind

I still have my old diaries

And you live on every page as I describe

How cool and cute and perfect I thought you were

How happy I am now that I wrote

All the things you once said and did

Word for word, I have your quotes

So I can always go back and visit

Memories of the you that I knew

Proof of your existence

That you breathed, felt and moved

It’s true we drifted apart

We were too young and too shy

But I kept a place for you in my heart

You were just that kind of guy

That left an impression on people

I know I’m far from being the only one

You touched with all your kindness

Your smile, your laughter and your fun

So thanks for the memories you’ve given me

I’m glad the ones I have are so clear

I just wish we hadn’t stopped speaking

For almost five long years

And I wish that even once I told you

How much your friendship meant to me

I always admired you more than I’d let on

I wish now you had seen

But I couldn’t be more thankful

That just a few short weeks ago

Your name again appeared on the side of my screen

And again, it was to me that you wrote

And in the words that you said

I saw how much you were like me

That you too had felt the darkness

That shut out hopes and dreams

I felt less alone that night

I wish you knew how much it meant

To know I wasn’t the only one

Who sometimes felt so spent

Twice after that we got together

Due to a mutual friend

I was excited to get to chill with you

To maybe get a chance to make amends

I remember those nights so clearly now

I see the fire reflecting off your skin

Your voice and expressions

The way you moved then

I wanted there to be more nights like that

Because I thought you were so cool

But just a few days ago

I got terrible news while at school

You’d decided to leave this world

In late February, 2013

But forever I’ll remember

The kind of person you’ve always been

And I keep a few things you gave me

A teddy bear, necklace and lighter

A little reminder of the days

That for me, you made brighter