Chasing the Dragon

I lay where we lay

I sit where we sat

I wrap my arms around myself

And squeeze

Try to remember

Try to forget

And I scream

Throw myself like I can’t feel

Pain

Into the wall and it

Hurts

But not like this

Not like you

You’re the only thing I do feel

When I don’t feel nothing at all

Cuz it’s all a waste

Like the explanations

There are none and yet

I’ve been chasing a

Dragon

That shares your name

Because there’s no time

Like the first time

And I was never really sane

Chill

We maintain the shell

With water

Food

And oxygen

From it we borrow

Vocal chords

Sight

Smell

Muscle and

Movement

Expressions

Tears

A place to put our

Thoughts

But where do we go?

What is the “me” in this body?

If I’m just cells

And a cluster of brain waves

The drug, hormones

Receptors

Whatever

Following some

Order

Making me who I am

Then why am I so

Detached

All the time?

My soul is in there

I feel it hiding

Often in the general location

Of my left kidney

Something untouched

Not object

Nor matter

Energy

It just sort of

Chills

And I wonder if your

Soul

Is still here

Finally free from the

Shell

You discarded

I’ll still miss your

Movements

And expressions

The Human Condition

Sitting on the edge

Of fuck all

And I’ve never felt so

Free

I just wish the bodies would

Stop

Moving

And I wish you would pay

For all you did to me

You’ve never breathed

Consequence

You just glide through

The pain

You left me there

Coughing

On my tears and my hate

No matter, no matter

It’s all fun and games

Until the day you

Stop moving

And you’ve burned everything

Like your lips against mine

And your hand on my face

Like my arms around your neck

Like the way you taste

Like the shadows

Of coffins

And Roses

And blood

Like the days we spent

Laughing

Out in the sun

A betrayal

And you don’t feel it at all

Cuz there’s nothing in your

Veins

But the drugs

The alcohol

Metaphorically speaking

It’ll be you that I kill

Oh, wait, I forgot

To hide the damned thrill

Nevermind

Can’t quit smiling now

Because I’m free from your

Fire, your

Ashes, your

Crown

It’s your

Ego

Sets my gut in the rain

I’d go get it but I feel

That it’s hiding your name

What a disaster

Imagine if they could see

The coward you are

And will always be

My bad

I’m supposed to keep my mouth

Shut

You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Just like your slut

Bitter

Is how I’m sounding now

No worries

I’m hanging

In my own black cloud

Comfy

Here all alone

Better than the lie

You have to own

Gone

He asks me to dance

And I surrender to him

Falling into his arms

I let my body fold

Limp and numb

Moving against and with his

I disregard all sense of

Responsibility

Control

And I let him chase me

Recklessly into darkness

Tasting his lips with mine

I play the game well

Every time your face flashes

Across my blurring mind’s eye

I take a shot

Pull him a little closer

Feel his hands wander places

Places only you’d taken me before

And we’re gone

Stumbling through doorways

Colliding with walls

And all the while clinging

Not to each other’s souls

But to our bodies

He holds my weight

And I dig my fingers a little deeper

Into his skin

Pushing him backward

So we come to rest on a stranger’s bed

Our eyes never meet

And I’m okay with that

He sheds us of our clothing

And in every touch there’s an

Aggression

That makes me think he’s hurting too

We go higher

Faster

Longer

Recovering each other’s weaknesses

Seeing to places that had forgotten

What it’s like to be wanted

And blocking out all senses

But the sense of touch

And when it’s over all that’s left

Is the sweat and skin between us

For a moment we sit with it

Chests heaving

Staring at the spinning ceiling

And then he’s gone

Without a name

Only then do I realize

I’m gone without one too

Just Like That

Just like that

You put it out

The flame that’d burned so strong

You sentenced it

Dead and gone

Like it never existed

Not an ash for evidence and yet

I know

It left its scorch marks on me

Although I keep them where no one sees

Like I don’t feel the burn

Like I don’t remember how the blistering heat

Once warmed my soul

And made me say things like “forever” and “always”

Now you find it all so

Replaceable

Someone new to fill the space between your arms

The other side of the bed

The hole in your heart

Is there even one?

I could never know

Because you treat me like a stranger

Although it wasn’t so long ago

That you said things like “forever” and “always”

And we were together

Always

Haunting Me

I remember that night

Sitting in the dark

Thinking, you could stop this pain

Just by not being where you are 

Knowing you were knowing

Just what you were doing to me

And knowing you weren’t stopping

Thinking, how sick this love must be

And she was nothing to you

But you were my whole world

Yet she was the one you’d choose that night

And while you explored the body of that girl

I was drowning in what it meant to be loving you

Praying the very thing happening wouldn’t be

Knowing all the while it was

Because I know how you loved that scene

And all I ever did for you and all my love

It meant nothing once you’d made your choice

Yet despite everything you’d done to me that night

I was still relieved to hear your voice

When you came begging for another chance

Crawling on your knees

I loved you so I set my heart on forgiveness

And that’s when you started haunting me

First Love

Breathe it in

Your scent

I’ll miss it

Your arms wrapped around me

Those hugs

Those kisses

I’m sure I’ll move on

But will I ever get over

Those places you held me

Like I was your clover

And then there was your smile

The way it met your eyes

Your lips on my neck

Like a calming lullaby

And the warmth all inside me

When you whispered goodnight

And the way our loved blinded me

Shut out the light

Will I ever see the ocean

Without seeing us there?

Will the future I imagine

Ever lack the little girl

With blue eyes and blond hair?

I swore I’d love you forever

And maybe I will

But babey, I can’t catch you

I can’t keep you still

This may be the last time I say this

So I’ll say it again

You’re the love of my life

You are my heaven

Death Row

How my heart aches

to hear the words you once said

without the trace of a lie

the one I recall being fed

to me and my suspicions

few months ago

Now again I lay waiting

like our love is on death row

And I want to call to you

beg you to say the words

put an end to this suffering

tell me I’m being absurd

But somewhere I know

deep in my soul

the words have run dry

and our story is old

You no longer want me

I’ve been here before

If there’s any lesson you’ve taught me

it’s how to close the door

Because you’ve shown me that my love

is worth basically nothing

but it’s the best I have to give

and so I am nothing

Bleeding Tears

I don’t cry tears

I bleed them

Cough them out of lungs

Spew them from sockets

where eyes once rested

Let them rain over flesh

Poisoning

Crawling

back into the depths of shallow veins

They choke the liver

Squeeze screaming kidneys

Writhing

They drench bones

in their joined monstrosities

I squirm, imprisoned in skin

Howling through open pores

And the metallic tasting tears

lurk  behind and between teeth

Venture up the screeching  jaw

Stretch the muscles so they break

So they cry too

They shake a tormented brain

Racking its skull

and it thunders so heavily against its casket

Splitting ear drums

so they curl

withdrawing into insanity

And I’m digging

Clawing into a chest cavity

to pull its beating – no, its pounding –  content from within

to stop the tears from spreading

Pulling open the gaping hole, I stare

into the pit of  madness

The intestines have found a new place to exist

in the acidity of the stomach

The tears put them there too

and I want to tear them from that place as well

It doesn’t belong

and it feels about as good

as the organ laying in my hand

The Devil On My Shoulder

I’m the fog along the coast

at sunrise

I’m the darkness that creeps

behind your blue skies

I’m your anchor

embedded in stone

I’m a whisper

I’m sand in your bones

And you cannot escape me, my dear

But, heavens, we know you’ve tried

I’ve seen the way my voice

brings puddles to your pretty blue eyes

I feel the pain when you do

And I hear you when you curse me

I watch you laying on the floor

And darling, I assure it does hurt me

But I’m not here to force it away

I’m not here to feed her lies

I can only show you

the way to sever the ties

that bind you to your misery

And, darling, it’s not me

But if you wish to cease my existence

then you, also, must cease to be

And don’t you wish it all away?

To never shed your heartache again?

Don’t listen to that other voice

for she is not a friend

Don’t think I don’t see you clinging to her though

The way you search our mind so frantically for her presence

But she is the one who lies to you

Yet, it’s on me that you seek vengeance

When she promises it’ll all be okay

with no evidence to assure you

Don’t you want to strangle her

for prolonging the misery? I do

I just want you to be dead like me

I just want you to give up

I want you to stop fighting me

because that’s what’s best for us

For you I mean, most importantly, my dear

Please take us away from the agony

Please take us away from the fear

Don’t you see that the battle you’ve been fighting

You’ve been fighting against the wrong side

I swear that if you join me

you can’t regret not being alive

and if you follow her she’ll drag you on

She’ll drag you across the floor

What kind of angel can she really be

if that’s all she uses her wings for?

So lay her down and come with me

Release the shadows cast by trees

You are all you’ll ever be

A depressant to the air you breathe