The You I Knew

You were there

About ten years old and sitting on the deck

The first time that I saw you

A hood pulled over your head

I knew who you were

Because we talked online every day

And I got butterflies in my tummy

Every time someone said your name

Little did you know

I was trying to show off

But you kept your eyes locked on your book

And I wondered if it would be okay to talk

But I always chickened out

I thought you’d think me strange

Little did I know back then

How much we were the same

Years passed by

And for so long the best part of my day

Was seeing your name appear on the side of my screen

And waiting to see if you’d say hey

A couple times I wandered

Past the house I knew was yours

I daydreamed what it’d be like

If I had the nerve to come to your door

And with my friends I always whispered

I called you by your last name

We plotted ways I could possibly see you again

But that didn’t happen until 2008

The year high school came around

And on that first day

My friends all gathered to tell me

You were on the other side of the locker bay

It took all the courage I could muster

I remember my heart pounding in my ears

Those couple yards I walked to get close to you

Felt like they took years

And there you were

A nervous smile on your face

And you stuttered a bit as you spoke to me

And my heart began to race

Only a few short weeks later

You asked me to be your girl

I agreed and that’s when you really became

The center of my whole world

For four wonderful and terrifying months

You were always on my mind

I still have my old diaries

And you live on every page as I describe

How cool and cute and perfect I thought you were

How happy I am now that I wrote

All the things you once said and did

Word for word, I have your quotes

So I can always go back and visit

Memories of the you that I knew

Proof of your existence

That you breathed, felt and moved

It’s true we drifted apart

We were too young and too shy

But I kept a place for you in my heart

You were just that kind of guy

That left an impression on people

I know I’m far from being the only one

You touched with all your kindness

Your smile, your laughter and your fun

So thanks for the memories you’ve given me

I’m glad the ones I have are so clear

I just wish we hadn’t stopped speaking

For almost five long years

And I wish that even once I told you

How much your friendship meant to me

I always admired you more than I’d let on

I wish now you had seen

But I couldn’t be more thankful

That just a few short weeks ago

Your name again appeared on the side of my screen

And again, it was to me that you wrote

And in the words that you said

I saw how much you were like me

That you too had felt the darkness

That shut out hopes and dreams

I felt less alone that night

I wish you knew how much it meant

To know I wasn’t the only one

Who sometimes felt so spent

Twice after that we got together

Due to a mutual friend

I was excited to get to chill with you

To maybe get a chance to make amends

I remember those nights so clearly now

I see the fire reflecting off your skin

Your voice and expressions

The way you moved then

I wanted there to be more nights like that

Because I thought you were so cool

But just a few days ago

I got terrible news while at school

You’d decided to leave this world

In late February, 2013

But forever I’ll remember

The kind of person you’ve always been

And I keep a few things you gave me

A teddy bear, necklace and lighter

A little reminder of the days

That for me, you made brighter

Never Again

I love you forever

I said never again

But to me you’ll always be

More than a friend

I think of you daily

Denying my will

To just call you babey

My heart’s on stand still

We were a nightmare

A disaster

A mess

I constantly put your nerves to the test

And you were always putting my heart on the line

But I’ve never loved another

Since I kissed you goodbye

On paper there’s never been

A more dysfunctional pair

But we had passion and romance

And the love was always there

For myself, I gotta say

I’d take all the pain in the world

To know and feel love as deeply

As I did as your girl

You were never prince charming

And I was never collected and calm

But I was always more than happy

To be in your arms

And you always came first

I gave every bit of me

Into loving you how I wanted someone to love me

But there was something inside you

And I’m sure it’s still there

That won’t let me be enough

You were always prepared

To write us off whenever you wanted a change

Too often I begged you to stay

And always in vein

Saving Me

I know I’ll find that something

I misplaced some time ago

The freedom that comes with dignity

The bliss of letting go

I can’t remember the last time

I sat alone beneath a tree

Taking in the feel of Earth

Basking in the breeze

Once I walked a lonely shore

Not so long ago

I asked God for some guidance

Or the strength to let go

Today I walk in rain again

And this time I don’t cry

Cuz every time I think of happiness

I see it in someone else’s eyes

So I’ll smile for the memories

And pray for all my sins

Then I’ll take back what you took for granted

And I will love again

But for now I have a special date

With a book and a big oak tree

I’m smiling from ear to ear

And I’m thanking God for saving me

Revise

Love is usually patient, often kind, and almost always jealous. <3

- KD DeFehr

Keeper

I found that something close to here
A magical note
A whisper of fear
I thought that was something I’d left behind
The prospect of one
The anticipation of time
It took me by my wing of last
And down rained words come to pass
Holy Father of night and day
Show me the way
And I’ll keep peace and stay

The Truth and Other Lies

Saintly

Am I?

Couldn’t be

Riding on the back

Of self sympathy

Deadly

Are you?

Shouldn’t be

Floating on the air waves

Of devils of me

The Devil On My Shoulder

I’m the fog along the coast

at sunrise

I’m the darkness that creeps

behind your blue skies

I’m your anchor

embedded in stone

I’m a whisper

I’m sand in your bones

And you cannot escape me, my dear

But, heavens, we know you’ve tried

I’ve seen the way my voice

brings puddles to your pretty blue eyes

I feel the pain when you do

And I hear you when you curse me

I watch you laying on the floor

And darling, I assure it does hurt me

But I’m not here to force it away

I’m not here to feed her lies

I can only show you

the way to sever the ties

that bind you to your misery

And, darling, it’s not me

But if you wish to cease my existence

then you, also, must cease to be

And don’t you wish it all away?

To never shed your heartache again?

Don’t listen to that other voice

for she is not a friend

Don’t think I don’t see you clinging to her though

The way you search our mind so frantically for her presence

But she is the one who lies to you

Yet, it’s on me that you seek vengeance

When she promises it’ll all be okay

with no evidence to assure you

Don’t you want to strangle her

for prolonging the misery? I do

I just want you to be dead like me

I just want you to give up

I want you to stop fighting me

because that’s what’s best for us

For you I mean, most importantly, my dear

Please take us away from the agony

Please take us away from the fear

Don’t you see that the battle you’ve been fighting

You’ve been fighting against the wrong side

I swear that if you join me

you can’t regret not being alive

and if you follow her she’ll drag you on

She’ll drag you across the floor

What kind of angel can she really be

if that’s all she uses her wings for?

So lay her down and come with me

Release the shadows cast by trees

You are all you’ll ever be

A depressant to the air you breathe

Fresh Hell

What fresh hell

spreading its infectious

tumors

into organs without

a name

What fresh hell

squeezing the holder

drilling into

sweetness

exposing all the

veins

This isn’t like the

other times

times of

understanding

and forgiveness

This is like the

knife

that carved out that

willingness

Now he’s hiding like

a child

hands over head

And his own children

are silently crying

surrendering to

their beds

the ones that

she

made

that now

they

have to lay in

Versatile Blogger

I am extremely happy to say that I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award by Alex. So I give a huge thank you to Alex for this wonderful compliment  Definitely made my day. Check out Alex’s site at http://worldlywinds.com/. It is a really beautiful blog.

These are my nominees:

http://maggiemaeijustsaythis.wordpress.com/

http://professionsforpeace.com/

http://secretlifeofamanhattancallgirl.wordpress.com/

http://clownponders.wordpress.com/

http://graypoet.wordpress.com/

http://guitaristindia.com/

http://mesayah.wordpress.com/

http://lackingunderstanding.com/

http://lyricsandchocolate.wordpress.com/

http://boomiebol.wordpress.com/

Walking Away

It’s growing- catching the sun’s rays as it lays there undisturbed by none but Mother Nature’s great sigh. As she exhales it skips a few feet further along the hot, hard artificial terrain, and begins to shrink into the distance. It stops. She’s holding her breath again, allowing me to catch up. The sun is hot. Reflecting off the pavement, so stiff beneath my feet, it blinds me. Squinting through the tears building up around my eyes, I can see the object still growing up ahead. It’s shining as if Mother Nature has beamed the spotlight in the sky directly upon it. It’s calling to me. Or rather, she is. She’s asking for its riddance from the earth but as of this moment, I wish she’d make the ball of fire in the sky take a break behind a cloud. A glance at the clear blue backdrop above me tells me that this is not an option. The sun beams down directly overhead. As I breathe in the air feels warm and dry within my lungs. My mouth is parched and my skin is burnt red. My clothes are sticking to my back and perspiration slides down my neck and face. All I can think of is my destination- an air conditioned building with fountains of cold running water built right into its walls.

I quicken my step, eager to get to that place despite that the heat of my blood warming inside me as I move faster is enough to make me want to collapse. The object is still glinting on the inside edge of the sidewalk, still as can be. As I move past it, my shoe kicks it aside. It rolls into the tall green grass growing beside the pavement and into the shade of someone’s tree.

Mother Nature finally exhales again, sending winds that whip my hair around my face and bite at my eyes. When she calms, the sun’s rays feel ever hotter, as if she’s trying to burn me now as I walk away. The candy wrapper shrinks further into the shadows behind me.