Sick Again

The whole world lit you up

Like the angel you are

Like the tears on my cheeks

As I look up at the stars

And remember your hands

Moving across piano keys

But it was never the song

That was capturing me

I’m not alone

When I think back to those days

I still feel it all

Like the warmth of your embrace

And the memory

Keeps me from getting cold

It’s not real but it’s the only

Love that I hold

The You I Knew

You were there

About ten years old and sitting on the deck

The first time that I saw you

A hood pulled over your head

I knew who you were

Because we talked online every day

And I got butterflies in my tummy

Every time someone said your name

Little did you know

I was trying to show off

But you kept your eyes locked on your book

And I wondered if it would be okay to talk

But I always chickened out

I thought you’d think me strange

Little did I know back then

How much we were the same

Years passed by

And for so long the best part of my day

Was seeing your name appear on the side of my screen

And waiting to see if you’d say hey

A couple times I wandered

Past the house I knew was yours

I daydreamed what it’d be like

If I had the nerve to come to your door

And with my friends I always whispered

I called you by your last name

We plotted ways I could possibly see you again

But that didn’t happen until 2008

The year high school came around

And on that first day

My friends all gathered to tell me

You were on the other side of the locker bay

It took all the courage I could muster

I remember my heart pounding in my ears

Those couple yards I walked to get close to you

Felt like they took years

And there you were

A nervous smile on your face

And you stuttered a bit as you spoke to me

And my heart began to race

Only a few short weeks later

You asked me to be your girl

I agreed and that’s when you really became

The center of my whole world

For four wonderful and terrifying months

You were always on my mind

I still have my old diaries

And you live on every page as I describe

How cool and cute and perfect I thought you were

How happy I am now that I wrote

All the things you once said and did

Word for word, I have your quotes

So I can always go back and visit

Memories of the you that I knew

Proof of your existence

That you breathed, felt and moved

It’s true we drifted apart

We were too young and too shy

But I kept a place for you in my heart

You were just that kind of guy

That left an impression on people

I know I’m far from being the only one

You touched with all your kindness

Your smile, your laughter and your fun

So thanks for the memories you’ve given me

I’m glad the ones I have are so clear

I just wish we hadn’t stopped speaking

For almost five long years

And I wish that even once I told you

How much your friendship meant to me

I always admired you more than I’d let on

I wish now you had seen

But I couldn’t be more thankful

That just a few short weeks ago

Your name again appeared on the side of my screen

And again, it was to me that you wrote

And in the words that you said

I saw how much you were like me

That you too had felt the darkness

That shut out hopes and dreams

I felt less alone that night

I wish you knew how much it meant

To know I wasn’t the only one

Who sometimes felt so spent

Twice after that we got together

Due to a mutual friend

I was excited to get to chill with you

To maybe get a chance to make amends

I remember those nights so clearly now

I see the fire reflecting off your skin

Your voice and expressions

The way you moved then

I wanted there to be more nights like that

Because I thought you were so cool

But just a few days ago

I got terrible news while at school

You’d decided to leave this world

In late February, 2013

But forever I’ll remember

The kind of person you’ve always been

And I keep a few things you gave me

A teddy bear, necklace and lighter

A little reminder of the days

That for me, you made brighter

Never Again

I love you forever

I said never again

But to me you’ll always be

More than a friend

I think of you daily

Denying my will

To just call you babey

My heart’s on stand still

We were a nightmare

A disaster

A mess

I constantly put your nerves to the test

And you were always putting my heart on the line

But I’ve never loved another

Since I kissed you goodbye

On paper there’s never been

A more dysfunctional pair

But we had passion and romance

And the love was always there

For myself, I gotta say

I’d take all the pain in the world

To know and feel love as deeply

As I did as your girl

You were never prince charming

And I was never collected and calm

But I was always more than happy

To be in your arms

And you always came first

I gave every bit of me

Into loving you how I wanted someone to love me

But there was something inside you

And I’m sure it’s still there

That won’t let me be enough

You were always prepared

To write us off whenever you wanted a change

Too often I begged you to stay

And always in vein

Gone

He asks me to dance

And I surrender to him

Falling into his arms

I let my body fold

Limp and numb

Moving against and with his

I disregard all sense of

Responsibility

Control

And I let him chase me

Recklessly into darkness

Tasting his lips with mine

I play the game well

Every time your face flashes

Across my blurring mind’s eye

I take a shot

Pull him a little closer

Feel his hands wander places

Places only you’d taken me before

And we’re gone

Stumbling through doorways

Colliding with walls

And all the while clinging

Not to each other’s souls

But to our bodies

He holds my weight

And I dig my fingers a little deeper

Into his skin

Pushing him backward

So we come to rest on a stranger’s bed

Our eyes never meet

And I’m okay with that

He sheds us of our clothing

And in every touch there’s an

Aggression

That makes me think he’s hurting too

We go higher

Faster

Longer

Recovering each other’s weaknesses

Seeing to places that had forgotten

What it’s like to be wanted

And blocking out all senses

But the sense of touch

And when it’s over all that’s left

Is the sweat and skin between us

For a moment we sit with it

Chests heaving

Staring at the spinning ceiling

And then he’s gone

Without a name

Only then do I realize

I’m gone without one too

Creature

They won’t admit it

But they hate me

Even more than that they hate

That there’s no hope

Not for me

And my presence confirms that

I hear them screaming at me

At my infestation

Try to shake it out of me and then

I see them turn their heads

Look down

Look away

Sigh

Pretend like they didn’t hear

My continuous whining

Of the creature inside me

The dark one

The one you found

Tried to tame

And gave up on

Turned away from

Because it’s infectious

My disease

I don’t blame you

I don’t blame them

If I could leave it behind with the room

I would too

But it’s something inside of me

And I do sit with its darkness

And I feel it lurking in places I’d much rather

Forget

The Way You Used To Look At Me

The way you used to look at me

With that light in your eyes

Like you could never love another

Even if you tried

And every time you kissed me

I felt like the most beautiful girl

The way you’d hold me and hug me

Like I was your world

And you made me feel smart

And funny

And loved

And I felt like I was flying

Several worlds above

But one day it changed

And when you looked my way

It was with different eyes

And never again did you see me the same

Just Like That

Just like that

You put it out

The flame that’d burned so strong

You sentenced it

Dead and gone

Like it never existed

Not an ash for evidence and yet

I know

It left its scorch marks on me

Although I keep them where no one sees

Like I don’t feel the burn

Like I don’t remember how the blistering heat

Once warmed my soul

And made me say things like “forever” and “always”

Now you find it all so

Replaceable

Someone new to fill the space between your arms

The other side of the bed

The hole in your heart

Is there even one?

I could never know

Because you treat me like a stranger

Although it wasn’t so long ago

That you said things like “forever” and “always”

And we were together

Always

Beautifully Tragic

Every day, I sit with it

Your nonchalance

Your arrogance

And my confusion

How I stay still

I’ll never know

It baffles me

The way it falls apart

The way it falls back together

So gracefully

So lost

So open and alone

Rhythmically shaping my present

Your past

Our futures

What you’ve become

I cannot say

But I saw the waves in your eyes once

The sunlight on your skin

And I thought

How beautiful

And how beautifully tragic

That you push away the ones

Who see you

And see something beautiful

Something worth fighting for

I saw those things once

But I blinked, you turned away

And then I saw something pitiful

Always Be

Who I am

Who I’m not

Who I used to be

What you are

What you were

Stirring inside of me

Loving, hating

Letting go

Praying, forgiving

Losing hope

Fighting hard to be seen

The part of us that will always be me

Haunting Me

I remember that night

Sitting in the dark

Thinking, you could stop this pain

Just by not being where you are 

Knowing you were knowing

Just what you were doing to me

And knowing you weren’t stopping

Thinking, how sick this love must be

And she was nothing to you

But you were my whole world

Yet she was the one you’d choose that night

And while you explored the body of that girl

I was drowning in what it meant to be loving you

Praying the very thing happening wouldn’t be

Knowing all the while it was

Because I know how you loved that scene

And all I ever did for you and all my love

It meant nothing once you’d made your choice

Yet despite everything you’d done to me that night

I was still relieved to hear your voice

When you came begging for another chance

Crawling on your knees

I loved you so I set my heart on forgiveness

And that’s when you started haunting me