If I had to sum myself up in one word, I couldn’t. To be perfectly honest (and I almost always usually am), I couldn’t even sum myself up in one big, elaborate paragraph that would take three hours to write… and if I were to write any more than that, well that just wouldn’t be summing it up anymore, now would it? You could say that this is because I know myself so well or you could say that this is because I don’t know myself at all but, for me, one thing has almost always been certain; I am a contradiction in the human form.
The best reason that I can come up with for this is that I’m an over-analyzer. I tend to look at a situation and see it from every possible viewpoint imaginable, and I never just pick one of these viewpoints to agree with and stick with it. No, I like to agree AND disagree with ALL of them. As you can imagine, it’s hard to make any decision when your brain is, metaphorically speaking, a massive gray area.
So I try to lead with my heart, since my brain seems incapable of making a definite choice. The problem with that, however, is my brain…again. It doesn’t like me…and it doesn’t turn off. Actually, if I’m to be fair, I think my brain’s problem is that it likes me TOO much. It’s always trying to protect my feelings by never making the wrong choice (or any choice at all for that matter) and by doing so, naturally, it makes me miserable, as my heart is a risk taker.
However, I’ve found that one other thing, beside my mind’s indecency, is for absolute certain. With a pen in my hand (or my fingers on a keyboard) I am at peace. When I’m in that zone and I’m writing, the places that I feel with my heart and think with my mind suddenly join and they become one. Suddenly, I’m free and I’m safe and I’m so filled with excitement by the possibilities of what I could create with this new found sense of power and enlightenment. The words surge through me and they become stories, images and messages. They become my voice and they fill my body until, all at once, I’m not just another sad and confused teenager. I’m an artist, and I can do anything with my talent if I allow it to guide me. I can be anyone and do anything through the words that I write and the characters that I create… because they’re mine.
Sometimes I wonder if I could spend my whole life in a story and never feel as though I’ve missed a single thing.
Photo taken by Kristy DeFehr
Photo edited at picmonkey.com