That Door

Opening that door

It makes me feel so alone

Behind it there’s so much beauty

I fall into the depths of the blue

Where my eyes meet with purple

And it tugs on the heart strings

And for what feels like the first time

I’m breathing

I’m feeling

I’m listening

I’m experiencing

Above me

There’s the universe

Just a small piece of its entirely for me to see

Around me

Is life

Growing there in the moonlight

And suddenly I’m so small

And there’s nothing big enough in the world

To fill the space of wonder

That’s erupted inside me

That was born this instant

And so many moments before it

Like one lonely, blossoming

Flower bud

Every time

I open that door

Why. Not so much the question, but the answer.

The best and hardest part of being a writer for myself is channeling the ability to just let go of the facade that we humans fashion ourselves with. It’s truly a daily battle between who I am at the very core of my being, when I’m stripped down to the flesh and bone, and who I want to be. I’m always digging, trying to pull that raw, human emotion out of me – the kind that’s shed of all the daily justifications I have created for my feelings my entire life. I stop censoring myself. I stop worrying about what’s right and what’s wrong – how I’m supposed to feel versus how I do feel. That’s what I hope to portray at the roots of my poetry.

Because how often do we ask ourselves…who am I? Not “where was I born?” or “what’s my favorite kind of cereal?” but “who am I?” What makes you laugh? What makes you cry? What makes you so angry that you could shoot to kill? Could you kill? In a world free of our conventional ways, who are you?

I know I don’t know who I am. I haven’t gotten to the point of understanding that quite yet, and maybe I never will. But what I do know is that I understand emotions – I understand them enough to know that they are not always rational. They do not always make sense. They don’t follow rules, they don’t take orders and sometimes they’re simply unmanageable. And even though feelings don’t have to define who we are, they can affect our actions, our decisions and the path that our life will lead.

Writing, painting, music, dancing, sculpting, whatever it is that you do…if it sets you free from all of that, never let it go. There is a reason why humans are drawn to art.

My Miracle

You don’t see what I see

You don’t see the storm clouds rolling by

You don’t bare the wreath of judgment

Don’t feel, constantly, the acidity of their lies

But sometimes I also wonder

If you ever simply slow down

Feel the breeze wrap around your skin

Wonder what it’d be like to drown

I’ve painted castles in the sky

Soft, fluffy, untouchable

I’ve let the waves surround my ankles

Cold, hard, unbearable

I’d try to get you to understand

I’d try to open your eyes to see

The spirit of the Earth and beyond

Because I know how much He loves me

But I wouldn’t change your smile

And I wouldn’t change the way you laugh

Not for all the diamonds in the world

Would I ever change your past

Because I love the way you’ve been made to be

Like rose petals drifting upon the sea

A miracle

That’s what you are to me

This Tree

This tree

Has imperfections

So deep

So secret

So unkind

That none can see them

Except me

I feel the words when they cut deeper

I feel the bitter tensions

Of previous wars

Wars not of hatred

But of love

Concealed here

In this tree

I love them

The makers

The givers

And the fakers

I love them despite all the costs

Within me

Within this madness of mine

And is it wrong

To blame them?

For I have eyes of my own

But isn’t it truth

That without them

I may have seen a different poem?

I wouldn’t have any other tree

It’s just that this one

It has left

Its permanent marks on me

Not all bad

It’s true that its roots are built

Of love

There’s laughter here

And forgiveness

There’s loyalty

And so much life

But this tree also nests

In a strong case of denial

And none can reach me here

For its branches don’t bend

But snap under pressure

And winds only shake its many limbs

But nothing can break this tree

Nothing can bring it down

From its heights

Of proudly blind imperfections

This House

This house

It’s only a fragment of home

Whenever you’re gone

It’s quiet

Not even a whisper of another human life

Not within these walls

My reflection sends drops of illness

Into the place in my heart where I need you

Where I need you to be always

That’s the place where you make this house

A home

It creeks when you’re not here

It cries for your presence too

The wooden floors feel harder

The darkness is darker

And no number of lights can shut it out

Even the warmth of fire

Is cold to me here

Alone

It’s all cold

It’s all numb

And it all holds secrets

Secrets I try to escape from

I bury my head in pillows

I get cozy beneath sheets

I surround myself with comforting objects

But they cannot fill that place in my heart where I need you

Where I need you to be always

That’s the place where you make this house

A home

Thank You

Hey guys!

So this is the first post I’ve actually made that is not just a poem or picture. I just wanted to thank all of my viewers and followers SO much for their support! I’ve been writing poetry for years and have always wanted to share my work with others but was way too nervous to do so for a long time. I actually did have a poetry blog about 2 years ago that I ended up deleting because I got too shy. Almost all of my work is based on a really personal level and I try to pour the rawest of my own human emotion into my poetry. It’s really hard for me to even let the closest of family and friends in that far never mind strangers. But I took the risk and it looks like it’s beginning to pay off.

So thank you, thank you, thank you all so much for taking the time to read my stuff and give me some feedback. I really appreciate every view, comment and “like” that I get and I’m really looking forward to seeing how things go from here.

I’ll continue to post new stuff as often as possible. There does seem to be no end to the poetry within me. I wish writing my novel would come along as easily…haha. Anyways, I really can’t stress enough how much the feedback means to me and I’m definitely open to discussing the meaning behind my poetry, answering questions, looking at different interpretations, receiving constructive criticism..all that good stuff. The best part of writing poetry for me is seeing how other people will interpret it. Also, if you have a poetry blog or photography blog or something similar that you want me to check out, then lemme know and I’ll definitely do that and will probably follow you.

Alsoo…I did recently start up a new blog. Since this one is generally very serious and whatnot, I thought it might be nice for me to also have a place where I can express my more wild side in a way that is more open and straight forward than poetry. It’s a little weird…but I’m a little weird so it’s fitting I suppose. It’s not a big deal or anything, I more started it for my own entertainment than for the point of getting lots of views and followers, ect. Haha, anyways, it’s kaileysbrain.wordpress.com/ if you wanna check it out.

I’m also looking for any ideas on how to make my blog a bit more…interactive. So if you have anything in mind that you’d like to see me doing on this site, or my other sites for that matter, let me know.

As you may have noticed, most of my poetry is free verse. I’m going to start trying to write poetry that follows more of a format, like a haiku or sonnet…this has always been difficult for me as I’ve never really had to focus on my poetry before, it sort of just flows out of me and finds its way onto the paper. But I do love a challenge in my writing so I thought I’d give structure a try. Wish me luck!

And thanks again to my followers and viewers. I hope you continue to take interest in my work!

Gordie, Michelangelo, and Matts

Photos taken by me

Hand in photos with frog is Nathan Stewart’s

Girl in photos is me

Photos edited at Picmonkey.com

I Hope

I hope she has you falling in love

I hope she’s everything you need

I hope her kisses send you shivers of joy

I hope you feel you need her to breathe

I hope her hands are soft and warm

And she always knows just what to say

Every time you’re feeling sad and blue

I hope she takes that away

I hope your mother loves her

I hope she makes promises she remembers

I hope she makes you feel special

I hope she’s your constant forever

And I hope that you talk of marriage

Of family

Of a home

And I hope she swears she’d follow you anywhere

So you’ll never be alone

But most of all, I hope you trust her

I hope you can’t see a future without

And I hope the look in her eyes leaves you swooning

So you never have a doubt

Now, hunny, here’s the good part

I hope she then crushes you to the bone

I hope she leaves you with nothing

But the pain of being alone

Only then will you have the slightest idea

Of what you put me through

The day that you betrayed me

And the days that followed the end of me and you

When your time does come

I hope you hate yourself for shame

I hope you want nothing more than to hurt yourself

I hope you’re crying out my name

And I hope all the time you see her smiling

While she’s wrapped up with another man

And then someday, I hope you know you’re lucky

Just as I’ve realized I am

The First Goodbye

I see it now

The first goodbye

Our first kiss

Our first time

Falling in love

There’s no end to the fall

Only sweet whispers of Spring

Carrying flowers down the hall

I’m holding onto you

And I’m trying to let go

It’s a physical battle

An emotional growth

Or downfall

Depending how you see

The future

Unraveling for me

And for you

So don’t you hold your breath

Breathe it in as I let go

And maybe you’ll get caught within the depths

Of all your dreams becoming known

Although I’m staring fear down my own neck

I’m so happy for you, you see

Recalling the candlelight on your face

Is enough happy in mind for me

You’re the love of my life, my darling

Forever, you’ll truly be

My first and only always

My sweetest memory

I’ll love your kisses

I’ll love your smile

First thing in the morning

Looking into the eyes of my better half

Feeling so adoring

I’ll miss the way you took my pain

And forgave it for all my flaws

I’ll miss the way you say it’s okay

Even though it’s not

I’ll love you forever, babey

Remember that before you sleep

This is all I’ll ever know

Don’t you go forgetting me

My boyfriend and I…I love you Nathan <3

Photo taken by Kristy DeFehr

Photo edited at Picmonkey.com

Before Me

Awake river

When fire is lost

Rise in the night

Upon the dark

Your wonderful whisper

Your curtain of breath

Yours after warmth

A numb wonder

A horror

A friend

Shake this darkness

Rain blossoms on mine

Falling innocence

Under some eye

That and angels

Together arise

Honest after life

Trusting beauty

Quiet ice