KD DeFehr

"Someone told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn." – author unknown


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Buddy Bear

I was eleven when I came home

To find a basket in the kitchen

What looked like a fluffy teddy bear

Was what I saw when I looked in

You were so excited to meet me

You skidded across the tiles and bumped your head

And that’s instantly when I knew

That you were going to fit right in

Eight years

That’s how long I’ve known you now

I’ve loved every second of every day

And I want you to know how

How wonderful a friend you’ve been

How I still can’t get over those big brown eyes

How lucky I am to have a little buddy

To always be by my side

I love the way you hop when you see me

How you can never give too many kisses

How the curly bits of your fur stand up

Your last hair cut? Must have missed it

I love the look you get on your face

When you think it’s time to play

You bow your head and growl a little

And I say, “Okay, okay.”

You know what I need when I’m sad

Because you’ve been there through it all

You were there on my first day of high school

My first breakup

My first phone call

When the voice on the other line

Told me something I really didn’t want to hear

And you sat your furry bum beside me

So I could hug you and cry soon as I was in the clear

You’ve taught me more about friendship

Than any human I’ve ever known

What it really means to hold strong and true

No matter how fiercely the bad times blow

And the laughter

All the laughter and joy that you’ve given me

Like your very first Christmas

When we found you’d taken an ornament off the tree

You were in such trouble

And knew it long before we did

You were shaking like a leaf when dad came up those stairs

Just like a little kid

A puppy at heart is what you’ve always truly been

Eight years later, you still run, jump and play

More than anyone has ever seen

And I want to thank you for that, little buddy

As it reminds me to stay young too

No matter how stressful my day is

I love coming home to you

Knowing that you’ll be there

Snuggled on your favourite pillow on the couch

I’ll come kiss you and you’ll wag your tail

And beside you I’ll come slouch

We’ll watch our favourite TV shows

And then I’ll read to you

I’ll even bring you your favourite toy

The one you never chew

What I mostly want to thank you for, Tucker

Is just for being there

Smart and funny and sweet as can be

You’re my best friend

You’re my buddy bear <3

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Finally

You think a person’s done hurting you

Finally

After years of

Lies

Refusals

Beatings that came in the form of

Kisses

Hollow ones perhaps

There only for the purpose of persuasion

To lead you so deep into falsehood

You think you’ll never resurface

Not alive, anyway

But you think you’re past that

You’ve moved on, forgiven

You’ve let life wrap you in new memories

Caressing the wounds so deep, yet so widely known

As battle scars

Of a battle most everyone goes through

Yet no one fully understands

First love, of course

What else could be so incomprehensible?

Something you spend your whole life touching

Retracing

Yet you never fully grasp

But it’s over now

And has been for some time

Words were said

None were truly listened to

A common fatality of human “communication”

An ability we take so far for granted

That it’s rare to actually hear one another

As if our vocal cords only produce noise

Without meaning

However, you’re past it

You’ve “let go”

You’ve let life take you by the sweet hand of

Uncertainty

And you’ve made peace with it all

You’ve stopped replaying those meaningless

Conversations

When you said too much and he said

Too little

You can’t even fully imagine his face anymore

The one you used to look so forward to seeing

You could have drawn every line, every freckle, every hair

With your eyes shut

If you could draw, that is

Now you can no longer taste the memory of those

Hollow kisses

The ones that used to give you butterflies

And you’ve realized, with some concern

And a little amusement maybe

That you don’t actually know his middle name

Yet you would have died for him

The experience puzzles you

And so you chalk it all up to youth

Pesky hormones and what have you

But you’ve grown now, you’re past it

You’ve matured into the kind of woman

He never would have been enough man for anyway

So why is it

That after all this time

The discovery of his one last secret

Still hurt you?

You didn’t cry when you found out about her

Not really anyway

A single tear perhaps

For this boy you used to love

You weren’t even all that surprised

The relationship was effed up on almost every other level

Why would you truly think

He hadn’t cheated on you?

But you had

Oh, you really had.

It’s a funny name for such a betrayal, isn’t it?

Cheating.

As if love really is just a game we play

Except it’s not

And the pain is very real

And suddenly you remember things

Things long forgotten

Things he said

Things he did

Lies he told

Because of her

It’s in this crucial hour that you ask yourself

Why?

And

How?

And

How many others?

And

How many other lies?

You sat on it, didn’t you?

For days

Once again, replaying

Retracing

Rethinking

Everything

A betrayal, it changes

Everything

And now you’ve healed in all the wrong places

You should have burned his things

You gave them back

You should have immediately been through

You held on a little longer

After it was all said and done

You even asked

For a second chance

And you wondered

Oh, you wondered so often

What did I do?

What did I do wrong?

Never knowing until now

That his problems lay in what he did

Lay in the bed he shared with her

While you were up missing him

Wondering, “Is he missing me?”

But it’s out now

All the truth

Behind all those lies

And you see now more clearly than ever

What a fool you’ve been

Actually trying to protect his feelings

And you were a fool, sweetheart

But you were in love

In love in all the ways he should have been

And you were good

You were good to him,

And you were good to yourself when you left him

Based on the instinct that he was no longer there

You were right to do these things

And now the truth

It’s finally come

It’s come and now it’s time

Time to actually let it go

Go back to forgiveness

Despite that what he did will never be okay

Go back to dreaming of a future

Where the past is, simply, the past

You have a new man in your life, after all

One that doesn’t focus on what he lacks

And you’ve become accustomed to

Happiness

To simplicity and equal love

There’s no room for questions like, “Why?” here

The answer is one you’d never accept anyway

Even after uncovering the lies

It comes packaged in

Just be glad you’re not the kind of person

That understands a cheater

And know only this

When you think of the boy you first wanted to marry.

His betrayal,

It had nothing to do with you

It had nothing to do with her

It had everything to do with him

And the kind of person that he now has to live with

While you move on

To a better

Brighter

Happier

You

Knowing a person is done hurting you

Finally


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My newest great idea

Hello wonderful people who read my stuff :)

It is a beautiful sunny, breezy afternoon on Vancouver Island today and is starting to feel a lot like Spring! Spring is a time for change I believe, and for growth and I find this very appropriate as I am thinking it is time to start moving forward with my writing. Some of you may know I have been working on a novel for a number of years now, and it is still coming along slowly but surely. However, in the mean time I would like to do something else for myself as a writer, to get my name established a bit in the community. I was sitting around humming and hawing about what this could be when it came to me in a way much like the sun comes to Earth when it pokes out from behind a big, fluffy white cloud. A poetry book! Why not? I’ve been blogging my poetry for little over 2 years now and in this time I’ve received some truly lovely feedback and support from you all (thank you, thank you, thank you!). Perhaps it is time that I take the next step, or at least try.

Today I am going over my past poems, picking my favorites and assembling a collection of ones to go into my book. You all, however, my wonderful readers, are most important in my decision making, with your top notch opinions and such. So, if you would like and have a moment or several, it would be much appreciated if you could simply “like” or comment on your favorite poems of mine. Or you may say, “Kailey (that’s me), this poem is most dreadful and should not be shown to publishers lest your entire writing career be dead.” These sorts of comments will be much appreciated as well. I am also looking for any other types of feedback, such as whether or not you think I have too many poems on one subject, if there’s something different you’d like to see me write about and so on and so forth. I do plan to compose a handful of new poems that will only be available to read in my book (if it gets published).

I think I should also add that I know absolutely zero, zip and nothing about the process of getting published…this is slightly problematic. Therefore, if any of you out there know a thing or two on the matter, I’d love to hear from you. I don’t even know how to fiiind a publisher, an agent, an editor, ect, ect. I’m not even quite sure if I need all of these things.

Anywho :) I hope that wherever you are, whether it is sunny and breezy out or not, you have a splendid day and find a little something to smile and be cheerful about. Like waffles. Everyone loves waffles. Now I want waffles.

Also, I am currently doing something called the 100 Happy Days Challenge, where every day for 100 days you take a picture of something you appreciate or makes you happy and post it! It’s a great exercise for anyone, and I think that’s most of us, who needs a little reminder to slow down and simply enjoy the small stuff once in a while. Here is a link to the 100 Happy Days website if you’re interested: http://100happydays.com/

What a fantastic idea! And with that, I depart. Well, not really, I am still sitting in my favorite comfy chair and intend to keep doing so for the next several hours. But I am finishing up this post before I ramble myself to Pluto and back. Good day to you, sir! And ladies :)

 


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This Is

This is it.
This is all the dark,
All the light,
All the shadows of the world.
This is rising coastlines.
This is falling lifelines.
This is Earth shattering for love’s sake,
And this is bone crushing for heartbreak.
This is the wave of existence.
So have you come to exist, my friend?
Or have you come to live?


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Loss

Sometimes you have no choice but to stand
Despite wavering legs and shaking hands
Sometimes you know if you fall to your knees
You’ll take with you any desire to breathe
You can do that to people
Drain them of will
Leave them with nothing
Floating stalk still
You can do that to people
When you leave without goodbye
You can do it to yourself
When you give into those binds
That wrap you up in ribbons
With nooses for bows
Convincing you this is comfort
As you lay there in choke hold
They loved you
You can take that to your grave
And know now that their lives
Are an endless dark winter’s day
Without true happiness
The only happiness they now know
Is like a blanket for comfort
But it doesn’t warm tired bones
It doesn’t get in deep
Not deep behind their eyes
And their smiles are simulations
Of something they used to do without trying
Now they know
Numbness
Always rolling in on the breeze
It should be the end of the world
But it’s only fog over the sea
And lightness
As first snowfall drowns sound
They’re moving but their feet
They never quite touch the ground

Photo credit goes to Christopher Kennedy


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Sisters

When you walk with me

I’ll take your hand

Not every girl

Is born with a friend 

Not everybody 

Gets a little me

To laugh, to play

To grow and to tease 

I love you, big sister 

Inside and out

I look up to you in more ways

Than any tape measure can count 

Little sister, you know

You can always count on me

No one gets to you

Without going through your best buddy

I got you

I know you’re always so strong 

But everyone needs somebody 

Who can tell when something is wrong 

And I love you

And your silly, cute smile

We have the same nose, the same mouth 

And we’re both wild

The same roots

Different branches of the same tree

We may go different ways someday 

But you always have me

sista

Photo taken by Kristy DeFehr

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